Liking Myself NOW

Of all the changes that have been going on in my life the last few years, the biggest one happened about 3 weeks ago.  I had gastric lap-band surgery.  Over the last 8 months I have been going to doc appointments, having tests done, being psychologically "reviewed", having more tests done, and dreaming of what my life will be like once I achieve this new goal.  When the time came that I had the okay to have the surgery, I froze.  The thought suddenly occurred to me, what if I have this surgery and the changes that I've been dreaming of happen?  And what if I don't like who I am? 

I've learned over the last few years as I've been making changes in my life that the changes may be good for me, but may have adverse consequences.  The ending of a marriage, the loss of a lifelong friend, realizing that things that interested me for years are not so interesting anymore, etc.  Life is changing.  This surgery and significant weight loss will change my life more. 

For so many years I have always thought that "if I was skinny, then....", "if I wasn't fat, then....".  I don't believe that anymore.  I know that my life is what I make it.  It doesn't have much to do with what I look like -- it has more to do with how I think about myself.  Even if I get "skinny" I can still have self-worth issues.   So these last three weeks since surgery I've been thinking a lot about how I talk to myself and what I think of me.  I have not been good to myself and that is the next big change.  I've already started:

• I had a facial last week.  I love facials.  I have always told myself they aren't for me because I'm fat. Noone really wants to touch me becuase it will feel awful.  Phooey on that.  Facials feel good, they are good for me, and I like them.  I'm doing them more often. 

• I went shopping for shoes.  This sounds really crazy, but I've never really put a lot of energy into buying shoes for myself because well, I'm fat.  Who cares what fat people wear.  But I like shoes.   This time when I went shopping I tried on many pairs and dreamed of how good it would feel to wear nice sandals with a great pedicure...my feet can look and feel good.  For Me.  It was a struggle.  My old attitude was telling me to stay low and not let people notice me.  Hide.  Fat people aren't pretty and really don't deserve to be in the store.  I stopped that thinking and pulled another box off the shelf and came home with a pair of shoes and a pair of sandals that I really like!

• I'm going back to the gym.  The restrictions from surgery will be lifted by next week so I'll go back to the pool.  Yes, I know what I look like in a bathing suit.  But I love the water and I'm going to do it anyway.  It's good for me.  Some day I will be thinner, but now I have to do what is good for me and love myself AS I AM. 

Right now I am strong.  I can push away the old voices that tell me I'm not good enough.  I'm going to take advantage of this for as long as it lasts.  I'm going to thank God every morning for His Power, for the things He is doing for me and through me.  I am going to remember that His Power is so much more than I can even imagine and that because of that I can make changes that have forever seemed impossible. 

I am also squashing the thought that I might end up someone I don't like.  I may change and become someone different.  But when someone is loved entirely and completely by God and learns to love themselves because they are God's masterpiece, can they really be someone they don't like? 

For I am God’s masterpiece.

He has created me anew in Christ Jesus,

so I can do the good things he planned for me long ago.

Ephesians 2:10 (modified for singular rather than plural)

Yes, I may have to get to know myself again and I'm looking forward to the challenge.