This Little Black Dog

This little black dog was my friend and companion for 13 years.  She was pushy and sassy and loving and every so joyful.  She was all Terrier in her joy -- jumping and barking and making sure that every one around knew she was happy.  She'd chase a frisbee for hours and always sat or laid right next to me.  She's been gone for 6 months now and I still have days of intense grief.  I wait for her to jump on the bed at night and curl up next to me.  I open the car door when coming home from work expecting to hear her barking in the house -- letting me know that she's happy I'm home and that I haven't opened the door quickly enough!

Grief is something that I have experienced a lot of in the last few years.  Grieving the end of a marriage, the end of a friendship, and the loss of my beloved Reba.  You'd think that experiencing a specific emotion this much would mean I'd have developed a way of handling it.  Nope.  I find myself pushing away the feelings, isolating myself from family and friends, eating things I should not eat, and avoiding dealing with any of it.   

In my world, emotion of any kind generally means pain, shame, insecurity, failure.  I have been given tools to deal with these emotions but I haven't really let myself think that they are really for me.  I'm not sure if this is a lack of faith or hanging on to images of myself and my failures over past years, but I have been looking at these steps, groups, friends, sponsors as something that aren't really meant for me.  I can play at "using" them, but really -- I'm just too "bad" for them to work for me.

Silly me.  That's where my first breakdown is:  my inability to claim God's promises as my own.  Yes, I even avoid and isolate from God.  I have been choosing to stay stuck.

I'm recommiting myself to spending time with God, to studying His word, to learning to depend on Him.  I'm asking Him to give me patience and endurance and a willingness to stick to this commitment.   I'm asking Him to help me claim His promises as my own, to recognize my value in Him and to celebrate His love for me.  It is His strength and His power that will lead me through the journey of recovery.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.  Isaiah 40:31